Chapter 200

Distance covered: 64 km (total 4590 km)

Up reasonably early to avoid the day’s heat, and we drove half an hour to a “five star” tourist spot in the area. We parked and before we even got out of the car, a parasite started buzzing around us. There was one every 50 meters or so, all wearing the same uniform of dusty clothes and a straw hat, an absent expression on their tanned faces that made them look more like Bolivians than Chinese. They were saying the place is closed, but they can guide us to another valley nearby. Somehow I doubted it, we could see the entrance and groups of tourists walking through from the elevated point we were at. The girlfriend said the area used to be open and those guys would act as guides, and now that it’s a government-run tourist site they lost that source of income. I felt bad for them for half a second but then thought about how they’re so blatantly lying to us, so fuck them.

Tickets were 100 a piece, but what the hell, at least they welcome dogs in. We walked the 5.5-kilometer loop going up and down the valley, which looked unlike anywhere else I’d been before. The reddish-brown clay had been eroded by wind, giving some of the steep hills a circular shape criss-crossed with lines that are not parallel to the ground. I looked at the hundreds of stairs we had to climb or descend, and wondered when they’ll put an ugly-ass cable car there, it’s just a question of consulting with geologists regarding the feasibility and doing a cost-benefit analysis. Those tourist sites are not much more than a business in the eyes of many, and that’s why so many of them are so grossly overdeveloped. But for now, aside from a few skeletons of buildings under construction, the only really ugly sign was an escalator going down from the main path to a pond at the bottom of the valley.

Big sections of the trail were empty, so we could admire the natural beauty in peace. Once in a while we’d cross paths with retards playing music from their cum-slurping phones. Why? JUST WHY? I love music, I listen to music several hours every day, but I only play it if I’m in at home, in my car, or wearing headphones, because I’m not a fucking sociopath. Plus, I know that the music I enjoy can be esoteric and unnerving for other people, just like those elderly cunts’ god-awful Chinese opera, which sounds like a cat being anally tortured. The girlfriend told them to turn that shit off, knowing that if she doesn’t do it, I will, and not very diplomatically or Chinesely. I don’t really mind people having loud conversations and being a bit rowdy (except if they’re just outside my hotel room past midnight, in which case I hope they get murdered by islamic terrorists) but playing music from phones would be punished by confiscation and ten lashes (twenty if it’s cacophonic dissonant Chinese opera, thirty if it’s a succession of shitty Douyin videos with annoying sound effects) if I was the king of the world.

I rant and bitch, but it was a worthwhile visit, with the beautiful views and the nice exercise. Then we drove through kickass winding mountain roads to the county town of Jingbian, where we had noodles for lunch (served in portions sufficient to feed a whole team of Olympic rowers) and dropped the car off at a mechanic for an oil change and a wash, which was more than welcome, our white car was now covered in a quarter-inch layer of grey grime.

Jingbian is about as insignificant as a town can be, but is still sizable, especially considering that we were now deep into China’s midwest, not far from the remote desert provinces of Gansu, Ningxia and Inner Mongolia. Once again, I was impressed by the length at which the local yokels went to demonstrate their ineptitude at driving. You know how if you want to turn left at a green light, you’re supposed to wait until there are no cars coming from the opposite direction? Not in the progressive 21^st century model town of Jingbian: there, they just throw themselves in the intersection as soon as the light changes. If, by any chance, a motorist who didn’t get his license in a fucking instant noodles packet stops and waits, he’ll get overtaken from both sides by impatient fucknuggets, and of course all of this will affect oncoming traffic, who will swerve brusquely or try to go through the queue of left-turners. That causes a lot of honking, impotent yells of “CAO NI MA!” and bumper-to-bumper mutual blocking, which means that by the time the light turns red (and green for the perpendicular road), there are still a bunch of retards in the middle of the crossing, unable to move in any direction, like a tangled headphones cable.

We went back to our hotel 8 km outside of town, where we just chilled the rest of the afternoon away. I watched the UFC main card from last week and it was great, all five fights were of high caliber and ended in submissions or TKOs. Miesha Motherfucking Tate made her return and looked like a beast, though I don’t see her having anything for the divisional champ Amanda Nunes. But then again, who does?!

In the early evening we went for a walk in the place I went running yesterday, taking the long road around the lake, which proved bigger than what we initially thought. Again, there were plenty of animals around, from flocks of cranes to herds of cows and sheep. We went close to a group of sheep and goats, and after a while some started to stare at us and slowly inch forward, the leader among them a fierce-looking ram with huge horns who didn’t seem to take kindly at the presence of a bearded human and a goofy dog in his ‘hood. I told the girlfriend, who was squatting to take pictures, that we better walk away from the soon-to-be chuanrs lest we become one.

The path around the lake went through a village that looked positively prehistoric, with the houses carved from tthe clay hills. Then we got to the big road and made our way back in the darkness, stopping at a Sichuan restaurant. We’ve had enough of the region’s noodles and barbecue so we thought why not indulge in one of our favorite of China’s cuisines? It was delicious, and the real shit, the only “local” adaptation was the small plate of spicy pickles they brought us at the beginning, as per local custom. Great stuff. We went back to the hotel and enjoyed its real beds (albeit hard as a plank of wood), internet and AC, before heading back on the road.