Chapter 191

Distance covered: 205 km (total 2738 km)

More than on previous nights in the tent did I once again contemplate whether I actually like camping or just the concept of camping. There were mosquitoes, likely due to puddles of dormant rain water on the beached ships, and unbeknownst to me they entered in a small hole in my netting, fucking with my sanity all night long. I killed dozens of them, feeling the tiny lump of their smashed body rolling on my skin, but the cunts kept coming, whizzing past my ear every few seconds. Even the dog was getting mad, trying to catch them as if he were a lizard. On top of that, even in periods of calm, the people outside took their place. It was now about 2 AM, and there still were groups on the beach, yelling at one another. The families had left, getting replaced by youngsters, the sing-song giggling of children making way for high-pitched female squeals and loud drunken obscenity strings from the males. What the fuck, don’t these people have anywhere to be?! The Chinese seem to be working in shifts to ensure maximum 24/7 noise pollution.

I’m not even sure if I did actually fall asleep for the rest of the night other than a few minutes of shallow sleep. The sun was up at 4 AM and so was I, the only signs of life were people walking in the shallow water with buckets, looking for crustaceans of some sort (and yelling at one another from 200 meters away of course) and sprawling piles of garbage here and there in the sand, where a particularly fucknuggety family had made its picnic. I took a dip in the water because I felt like I had to, the morning air was cold but the water was at perfect temperature. The dog watched me from the sand, it was his first time at the sea and he was a bit confused by the moving waves of salt water. While I was packing, he rolled around in the wet sand, I assume to scratch his mosquito bites. I didn’t think much of it at first but when we got to the car and he sat in, a horrifying smell of rotten fish filled the whole cab. I had to open the windows.

I listened to a bit of music, and then the Boyscast, Ryan Long was having a chat with former hockey player Sean Avery. After an hour on the early morning quiet roads, I stopped at a service point where dozens of huge trucks were parked, found a spot in the shade and took a nap on the reclined seat for an hour. Then I drank a lot of water, did tai chi and stretched in the filthy parking space to energize myself a bit.

I entered the far outskirts of Tianjin, and there was a bit of construction, squeezing the expressway into two lanes, no shoulder. It still flowed well, both lanes going around 80 km/h, which was the speed limit and also a reasonable speed considering the corrugated metal fences on either side of the road. At some point some fucknugget was sticking to my ass, he was so close his car was the only thing I could see in my rear-view mirror. He abruptly changed lanes a few times, trying to get ahead, but couldn’t. Eventually he floored it and went past me, just to repeat the same game of angrily swerving back and forth with the cars in front. What a display of small peen energy. I sat there thinking, how small must his dick be? It must be the kind where you don’t even round up to the nearest centimeter.

I made it to my destination by 11 or so. I had decided fuck going back to Beijing, and the girlfriend also didn’t want to go meet me there when she starts her vacation three days from now, prefering a less fascist and easier place. So I contacted Spermbank, from the Tianjin Hash House Harriers, asking if there’s a hash run on Saturday the 10^th, and it turned out there was one. And then a hasher named Shape Shifter offered to host me and the dog, which was very nice of her. We met outside her apartment complex, after a blunder that got me to the wrong one and knocking on the wrong door, and I parked the car. It was frustrating at first, there were no spaces outside and they wouldn’t let me in the underground lot unless I pay the 100 yuan monthly fee, but eventually one of the guards just suggested I park in front of the service entrance, as long as I move the car before 9 AM to let the garbage truck in.

I took a needed shower and also washed my filthy rotten-smelling animal, and then sat down for a very Slavic lunch of buckwheat, bread and sausages. Shape Shifter is from Ukraine, and we talked about the messed up situation in her country, low wages, lack of jobs, lawlessness, and the ongoing war with Russia, in which her son is currently serving. Then we got all our stuff and went to meet some other hashers in a nearby district, where we packed a van and headed downtown. It was over an hour away, as they live in a newer part of town that might as well be considered a city of its own.

About 10 people showed up for the walking trail, something that reminded me more of my own city’s hash group than the big turnovers seen in Beijing or Shanghai. We walked around the urban area, following the chalk marks set by the hares, stopping for beers that felt good in the hellish heat. I went to Tianjin over ten years ago and the city hadn’t made much of an impression, not old enough to feel full of history, not new enough to feel futuristic, and without any landmark sites except a TV tower that looked like the one in Toronto. Same thing this time around, but it was fun shooting the shit and making jokes with the multiethnic little group in colorful hash shirts strolling around the city’s streets and alleys.

In the circle, a Nigerian guy got his hash name, christened as MC Dick Juggler. It was a bit tamer than a naming in my hash chapter, which involves a beer shower, all he had to do was to swallow the beer funneled through a rubber chicken. I had to give the thing some of my home hash group flavor by shaking a can and spraying him a bit, like F1 drivers do. Good silly fun was had by all, and then we went to a restaurant. I ate a thick-ass burgers with fried mozzarella sticks in it, and met new friends, everyone wanted to pet the dog, now completely exhausted from the long walk in the heat. There was a big group of French people, and also a British guy with an Iron Maiden shirt who likes Chinese underground metal as much as I do.

Spermbank and Ball Shaker were now very drunk, I hadn’t seen it coming, I just drank a Tiger and a Guinness in the time we were in that restaurant, seems like they just kept on going. We sat in the van and got driven back to TEDA, the new district where they all live. It was a quiet ride, most of them completely passed out. I was ready to crash as well, I just had to locate another bar where Shape Shifter was for one of her friends’ birthday party. They were all dolled up in dresses and heels, sipping girly drinks, listening to two musicians on stage playing some surprisingly cool music. I considered staying for a drink but just made a bit of small talk and then we took a taxi home. I showered and crashed on her couch.