Chapter 72

I woke up around 7 and stayed in bed a bit, reading and petting the dog. I finished The Road Chose Me, Dan Grec was at the end of his epic three-year circumnavigation of Africa, dealing with nightmarish bureaucracy to ship his Jeep out of Egypt.

I saw he also wrote a short e-book about “saving money and living one’s dreams”, it was two bucks, so I downloaded it from the Amazon store. It’s mostly common sense advice about mindset, priorities and minimalism, and in the opening chapter he talked about how a lot of people are actually paid very little on a hourly basis, once you consider taxes, commuting times, the cost of stuff they wouldn’t buy if they didn’t have to go to work (daily Starbucks, downtown parking, work clothes, daycare). That kind of stuff resonates with me, and I’m pretty happy with my current situation. I pay about $500 a year for a big two-bedroom apartment (not a typo; I get a big housing allowance and pay very little out of pocket), I pay zero in utilities (the girlfriend picks those bills), I never buy clothes, I cook a lot of my meals, I live 5 minutes away from my workplace which allows me to not even consider commuting times, I ride an old beat-up mountain bike everywhere, and I have very little taste for luxury. My main unnecessary expense is beer and imported food.

Throughout the day I drank mate, AKA tereré, AKA that weird bitter drink that Argentineans, Uruguayans, and inhabitants of Brazil’s Mato Grosso do Sul can’t live without. I have the wooden cup, the metal straw and a bag of shredded leaves that I brought from my trip there and once in a while I go for it. I like to drink it lukewarm or cold, because burning my lips on the metal straw isn’t my definition of fun.

I enjoyed my idling day, reading, writing, walking the dog (the sun finally came out) and watching videos by Soph, who dropped red pill after red pill on various topics such as internet usage in the younger generations, gender dysphoria, the boomer generation and modern cinema. Her social commentary is great and truly isn’t like any other’s. I also watched a bunch of videos about BJJ by a coach from Kentucky who goes by ChewJitsu and constantly puts out quality content, whether it’s training footage, drills or answering questions from the audience. I was looking forward to that night’s upcoming session.

First I had to go to driving practice. I was almost enthusiastic at the idea of going, since I now have to prepare for the road test, so it would be something new. Little did I know it would be an absolute drag, the epitome of ineptitude.

They said it would be from 4 to 6 but I waited 45 minutes until a car picked me up. Goddamn hippies will condescendingly lecture you about time being a bit fluid in third-world countries, and how it’s only those pesky Westerners who value punctuality and organization (and thus, imposing those values is a form of white supremacy, according to Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and other manufacturers of victimhood). In my extensive experience it’s only half true, because when the tables are turned, the idea that I wasted the third-worlder’s time by even just a few minutes can be met with blind infantile rage, still, in this case, not a fuck in the world was given by anyone but I about the fact I had to sit around shrouded with uncertainty. I wouldn’t have cared that much, as I sat outside with my Kindle in the aforementioned pleasant early Spring weather, but I was wondering if I’d make my jiu-jitsu session on time. I had my gym bag with me in order to go straight to the gym (conveniently located less than 100 m from the driving school’s head office) but now I sent a message to my training partners notifying them of my likely tardiness.

We got on the road and I asked why they’re not clocking me in with the phone app that scans my face. Later, I was told, which means I was still off the clock for all those mandatory practice hours. There was another trainee in the car, and he guffawed upon hearing me. “Woah! It can speak our language!” Man, it’s gonna be a long fucken day.

We went to the southern edge of the city and kept driving through industrial areas until we reached a bunch of crumbling farmhouses that were spared by the urban expansion (for the time being). A woman walked up to the driver’s window. “You said you’d be here at 4:30!” she cawed in a thick rural dialect. It was now 5:10 at this point. Hmmm, and I thought the Noble Savages didn’t care about time?

The instructor scanned her face with his phone app to end her session, and then it was my turn, effectively starting my two-hour block. The app scans the facial features of trainees and vocally prompts them to blink or nod or turn their face sideways, to prevent just scanning a photo I guess, and with the goal of ensuring that people are present at their practice. In the past, many driving schools would just pocket the money, write the trainees’ names in a ledger saying they had driven X hours, so the Powers-That-Be put this in place. Evidently, it only works to a certain extent, as that woman had been tending her cabbage patch the whole time yet she was in the system, and myself I had spent quite a lot of time on the clock being carted around or sitting in the backseat while another trainee drove.

We picked up two other people, filling the car: a woman with xiangxia written all over her face and a girl in her twenties whose bubbly demeanor soon became annoying. The volume of conversation rose to about 180 decibels, it was hard to concentrate on my book. The younger girl had a melon with her for whatever reason, and was making crude penis jokes, which was at least somewhat entertaining.

We arrived at the deserted road where the exam circuit starts. I was ushered to the front seat and the instructor pulled some kind of box connected to the car sttereo, giving vocal prompts. Part one of the exam was about lights, the machine would say “You are driving on an unlit road” and I’d have to put the high beams on. Then it would be “You are stopping on the side of the road” and it would be the hazard lights. It’s in Chinese of course, but I could manage if I listened carefully and on the rare occasions Xiangxia in the backseat would shut her mouth for a few seconds. There were one or two of those commands I wasn’t too sure about, and that amused my companions to no end.

Then it was the driving part. I already know how to drive, that should be a breeze, no?

I was seriously astonished at the shit they’d have me do. Knowing how to drive might in fact be to my detriment, and I’ll have to unlearn it. I was told to switch to third gear when the engine was still underrevving, which is one thing, but the way I was supposed to brake was completely retarded. Forget about gradually and safely slowing down, I’m supposed to give two hard pumps, making the whole car jerk. I was wondering if it was another cruel joke at the expense of the foreign monkey, but no.

We got to a red light, and the computer said “Turn right”. I put on the flasher and stopped to let the flow of perpendicular traffic pass.

“What are you doing?! Turn right”

“But there’s a bunch of cars and motorbikes coming! I’m supposed to stop and only go when it’s clear”

“You can turn right on a red light! You should have put it in second gear and turned, they’d have swerved to let you pass!”

I couldn’t fucking believe it. Same thing a bit later, as I had to turn left at a green light. There was a truck coming in the opposite direction, and I clearly, by any reasonable fucking standards, didn’t have time to make it, so I yielded and turned only when he had crossed. “Why didn’t you turn right away? The truck would have slowed down or gone around you”

When I started that godforsaken endeavor, I was joking that I’d have to drive like a Chinese to get the Chinese driver’s license, well reality is stranger than fiction sometimes. We got back to the starting point, and it was Xiangxia’s turn. “Look at how she does it, that’s what you have to do on the exam!” So I sat there, catatonically looking through the window, as she clumsily switched gears, whiplashed us around with her herky-jerky braking, and wobbled the car with sudden lane changes. That’s the model I have to emulate.

It didn’t help that we were on a live road, and not allowed to get past third gear nor even to press on the gas pedal once third gear was engaged. So we cruised at around 25 km/h and had cars and big trucks pass us left and right, sometimes honking angrily, despite the clear sign on the back of the car saying that this is a training school vehicle. All we’d need is just one motorist perfunctorily looking at the road while using his phone (I estimate about 30% of them doing that at any time, it was now dark and we’d see the faint glare in the cabin and the driver’s face looking down) and we’d be reduced to roujiamo meat filling.

I have to give them credit for one serious silver lining to the whole thing, though; when I said I had an important appointment at 7, which wasn’t exactly false, we went right away. I let out a huge sigh of relief, as I thought I’d be stuck there until fuck knows when. The instructor let me drive, and only micromanaged me a little bit. I had to get on the highway with a hairpin entrance ramp, and Xiangxia was hooting and hollering, saying I can’t do it. “SHUT UP!” I yelled. Not my proudest moment but at that time I just wanted to eject her peasant ass out of the car, GTA-style.

We got to our destination with a bit of time to spare before my two hours were over. The other trainees sat in the car, unperturbed, used to all this idling and time-wasting. There was a tea store, and I needed pellets of pu er, so I went to buy half a pound. The lady said “You have to remove the paper wrapping before steeping it in hot water” Jesus fuck, do they really think I’m that retarded?! Is it today’s theme? I just smiled.

To round up that rather kafkaesque afternoon, the app crashed. It’s linked to some ancient computer in the car, the instructor fiddled with it for a long time before realizing it’s hopeless. So it’s possible all of this shit was for nothing, let’s hope not.

I got to the gym, changed into my gi, and practiced trips and judo throws with my pals for an hour and a half, it was a good way to blow off all that accumulated steam. I had a good roll with my fellow white belt at the end, after a botched sweep from his part I ended up in top side control and went for an armbar just as the timer beeped. Good times.

I made it home, opened a beer and reheated some leftover Sichuan food and rice. At number 381 in the Top 500 was Lynyrd Skynyrd, I only knew them for the classics and had never listened to an album, it was really good.

I was halfway through my meal when I got a message inviting me to go to karaoke, I considered it for a minute but delined. I love karaoke, but was too damn tired. I watched a few videos about calisthenics training on YouTube, then went to bed and read a bit before passing out.